By Fen Kapwa  March 15, 2025

Grief is a strange thing. It creeps in quietly, settling into the corners of my heart, only to surge forward when I least expect it. I lost someone so dear to me, someone who was a steady presence in my life, and now I find myself navigating a world that feels emptier without him. He was more than a friend, more than family-he was a part of me. Losing him has left a hole in my heart that I fear will never heal.

He was what many would call a gentle giant. Towering over most people, his presence could have been intimidating, but there was nothing but kindness in his heart. His laughter was deep and warm, the kind that wrapped around you like a comforting embrace. He had a way of making everyone feel safe, as if nothing in the world could go wrong when he was around. I used to take that for granted, thinking he would always be there, a constant in my ever-changing life. But life had other plans.

Everything reminds me of him. The movies we used to watch together, the songs we sang at the top of our lungs, the bus rides where we talked about everything and nothing at the same time. There are moments when I reach for my phone, ready to share something with him, only to remember that he is gone. The realization hits me like a tidal wave, knocking the breath out of my lungs. I still cry when I think of him, and I wonder if that will ever change.

Grief is not just an emotional experience; it is physical, too. I feel it in the heaviness of my chest, the way my body tenses when I hear his favorite song, and the exhaustion that comes from missing someone so deeply. It is a silent weight that follows me everywhere, a shadow that lingers even in moments of joy. Sometimes, I try to push it away, to force myself to move on, but grief does not work that way. It demands to be felt, acknowledged, and honored.

There are days when I find comfort in the memories we shared. I replay our conversations in my mind, laugh at the inside jokes only we understood, and close my eyes to picture his familiar smile. These moments bring a bittersweet sense of closeness, a reminder that even though he is gone, his impact on my life remains. But there are also days when the memories feel too painful to bear. They remind me of what I have lost, of the plans we will never fulfill, and the words left unsaid.

I often wonder how different life would be if he were still here. Would he have accomplished the dreams he always talked about? Would we have continued our traditions, adding more beautiful memories to the ones we already made? The questions are endless, but there are no answers. Instead, I am left with an ache, a longing for a reality that no longer exists.

People tell me that time heals all wounds, but I am not sure if that is true. Perhaps grief is not something that fades but something we learn to carry. Maybe one day, the pain will not be as sharp, and the memories will bring more smiles than tears. Until then, I will hold on to the moments we shared, the love he gave, and the gentle strength he embodied. He may be gone, but in my heart, he will always remain.

As I navigate life without him, I have learned that grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows, sometimes retreating into the background, other times overwhelming me like a storm. I have also learned that it is okay to grieve in my own way, at my own pace. There is no right or wrong way to mourn someone we love. The only thing that truly matters is that we allow ourselves to feel, to remember, and to honor their presence in whatever way we can.

His absence has taught me to cherish the people in my life more deeply. I try to be more present, to express my love freely, and to never take a single moment for granted. Losing him has shown me the fragility of life and the importance of appreciating the time we have with those we love. While the pain of his loss will never fully fade, I am grateful for the time we had together and the lessons he left behind.

In the end, grief is the price we pay for love. And though it is heavy, I would not trade the love we shared for anything. He was my gentle giant, my safe place, my kindred spirit. I miss him every single day, but I take comfort in knowing that he will always be a part of me. His love, his laughter, and his unwavering kindness will live on-not just in my memories, but in the way I choose to carry his legacy forward.

So, I will keep telling his story, sharing his kindness, and keeping his memory alive in the little things I do. Because as long as I remember him, as long as I continue to love him, he will never truly be gone. And maybe, just maybe, that is the only kind of healing that truly matters.

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