BY LORRAINE ADAMS · MARCH 5, 2021

When we launch ourselves into the singles market and actively start to date, it generally kicks off with the compilation of a wish list. Matchmaker and romance expert Lorraine Adams has been operating her business Gorgeous Networks.uk for over twenty years. Here she gives an insight into the biggest mistakes that singles can make when compiling their wish list. 

In truth, the first big mistake is to actually create a wish list in the first place as realistically it just acts as a barrier to finding long-lasting love. However, if a list is merely to help you focus, then it should be regularly edited and condensed as you get further into your dating. 

Invariably lists can change following the outcome of the first few dates.  Sometimes if the dates are not materialized as rapidly as you had hoped, it should become clear that some of the original ‘must haves’ could be unrealistic.

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Many singles who have just resurfaced from a troubled relationship tend to be mindful of what has been particularly challenging and list the exact opposite of what they have recently experienced so a wish list might consist of something like:

• Must be committed 
• Has to be honest 
• Must be able to communicate 
• Has to be good in bed 

Their list might also include a few nice to have’s, improving on their last partner. 

• Must have a good head of hair 
• Must be fit and trim 
• Has to have a great job 
• Must be tall /Petite/ slim/athletic

Characteristically long-term singles often include the things that they have particularly yearned for over the years when dreaming about potentially what they want a relationship to consist of. It is normal in this case to gravitate towards the stuff that they observe on the surface of their coupled-up friends or family. Things like: 

• Must be tactile 
• Has to want to travel 
• I must be able to feel the chemistry 
• Must want children 

This is a common mistake as these types of ‘wants’ can generally evaporate when you meet someone you really fall for. For example, there have been many people who have given up hope of having a family or have never felt particularly maternal/paternal or they may already have children so they rule it out. Yet upon meeting someone with who they connect with that might all change.  So ruling out someone because they mention that they do not want to start a family can be a bit hasty.

Another example might be that wanting to travel might be high on your list and may push you to rule out someone who does not have a similar thirst for travel. However, it could be entirely possible that you inspire a new love interest to be more enthusiastic to travel, after all bringing out the best in each other during a fledgling romance is a big part of what could make it happy and long-lasting.

Normally a wish list is assembled and ultimately based on what the person seeking a relationship thinks is going to make them happy. Typically every list will include some specific aesthetics such as hair color, even eye color or height, and size. This is another huge mistake, as we all know aesthetics can change enormously throughout a long-term relationship. Looks can either be improved or they may deteriorate, in real terms, it should not affect what you feel in your heart for someone. 

It is important to clarify that when we look long and hard at some of the frivolous ‘nice to haves’ that could appear on a wish list we come to realize that these aspects actually have no bearing on sustaining a long-term loving relationship.  

Habitually the key aspects, traits, and qualities that are essential for a flourishing long-term relationship are often absent and mistakenly largely ignored during the compilation of a wish list. 

The most important things that should be present on a wish list should be related to your goals, values, morals, levels of respect, ambitions or principles, and beliefs.  If repeatedly disregarded this could be one of the key reasons that your relationships are not lasting.

Every relationship will experience challenges, some small and some gigantic and life-changing. It is only then that it starts to become apparent just how important it is to consider the key characteristics missing from your original wish list.

Once a bond and connection are established within a relationship it becomes more difficult as time goes by to bale. So many couples opt to try and patch things up rather than face the reality the fundamental differences in their personalities that perhaps they should have considered early on, are just going to continue to cause each other eternal long-term heartache. 

So what makes us consider hair color overvalues? Or stress over someone being an inch too short or too tall rather than examine more closely each other’s respective aspirations or beliefs.  Why do singles make the crucial mistake of placing so much importance on the presence of instant chemistry? Rather than getting to grips with identifying key attributes.

Only those that have experienced long-term happiness, recognize that there are generally two kinds of chemistry. The first is a lustful spark, something more sexual. This kind of chemistry can often be short-lived and evaporate after intimacy.  

Whereas the longer-lasting chemistry is based more on mutual respect for each other. This is the type of ‘warts and all chemistry’ that you start to feel when you grow to absolutely adore somebody irrespective of aesthetics or inconsequential characteristics. Chemistry of this kind is built up over time and is an affection that is likely to have longevity. Not being mindful of synching personality traits with an early love interest will be crucial to whether or not you are capable of establishing a relationship with longevity, sadly until that time it is unlikely that fate or timing will have anything to do with it.

Lorraine Adams

Lorraine Adams is an established matchmaker and romance expert. She launched her business Gorgeous Networks onto the dating sector in 2000. She was the very first company to invent and operate Speed Dating events and Gorgeous Networks immediately caught the eye of mainstream media.

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